he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
