I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were trust falling into bushes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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