Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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