Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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