Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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