Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
