WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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