he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
