i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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