My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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