went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
