I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
