he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
