Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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