I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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