you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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