peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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