All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
