I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
