Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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