Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I smell stomach acid.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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