You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
