I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.