Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
