The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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