Your dad touched me again.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
