i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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