i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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