Please, let me fuck your mom
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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