Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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