Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
