i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
