I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
