Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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