She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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