i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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