I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
