pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
