News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Acid is not a monday night drug
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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