I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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