Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
