I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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