So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
