Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
