i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
