Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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