i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
