Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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