I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
