some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
