She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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