the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
