It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
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Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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