I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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