Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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