My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
