Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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