It's Friday. Sex?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
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Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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