seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
